A prologue...and then some

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A prologue...and then some

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:12 pm

I've been writing this story for a few years now; it started off as an RP of mine, and then I began to write a book. I've currently got about 40 pages single spaced in Word, with four chapters and the below prologue. As I generally pride myself more on my writing than my art, I figured this would be a good piece to start with (I seem to have misplaced my poetry and songs >.>;; ). Anyway, feel free to comment if you like, and if enough people like it, I might be persuaded to post the other chapters later.

-RS


Last edited by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 3:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:13 pm

Prologue

“After him! Kill him! Get the demon!” The crowd of men yelled, chasing after the hooded figure running off towards the forest. The town guards, enhanced with ranks of townsfolk, were all after that figure, the demon running into the night. The crowd carried anger heightened by fear on their faces along with several types of weapons in their hands. The guards mainly ran with long swords drawn, but there were several with a pair of shorter daggers—probably assassins for the king. The townsfolk in the group carried mainly tools from their occupations: the woodsmen, huntsmen, farmers, and blacksmiths were represented by the glint from swinging axes, whizzing arrows, dirt-covered hoes, and experienced hammers, respectively.
It was one of the colder evenings in autumn, a time when the leaves were beginning to fall off of the trees after turning different colors. The sky was nearing night, but some daylight was still left; the sun had fallen behind the thick forest, but there was enough light to see without a torch, if you were careful. Not taking chances, the townsfolk took along torches as well to light the path so no one would trip and cause the rest of the group to fall. The demon, however, had heightened senses, and could see just fine without a torch.
The demon himself was almost the same size as the townsfolk, but a bit broader in the shoulders with longer limbs. He ran barefoot, wearing only a dark cloak; he carried a large, black egg in his clawed hands and never halted to look back. If he had, the demon would have noticed that the fuming crowd was gaining on him: quickly, too.
The demon was commonly known as Uldur Konteru, a blacksmith well known in the demon world for his ability to forge ‘living’ weapons and armor. He could enhance his metal works of art with any kind of elemental stone to allow superior control, but he was mostly sought out for his Efil Blades: weapons that seemed to have minds of their own, weapons that could strike an enemy without the wielder moving an inch, weapons that were feared by enemies and sought by the richest of collectors. Of course, with all of that gold, Uldur could buy nearly anything he wanted to—but he spent most, if not all, of that money, on gate passes to travel into the human world. He had a certain…liking to human women.

Uldur had stayed nights with many women in many towns, but this was the first time he had ventured into Cormillon. He had heard that the town had a castle overflowing with human beauty, but overrun with human…obstacles; obstacles, of course, being the Cormillon guards: members of the famous League of Knights. Spending a night with a woman from Cormillon was risky, but the previous night Uldur decided that venturing into the town would be worth it.
The night before the present one Uldur had gained entry to the town by fooling a gate guard into believing that he was simply a traveling merchant in search of a town to set up shop. Cormillon had not received any information speaking of any possible foreign threat, so a relatively inexperienced guard was on duty at the gate: Uldur managed to get in. Once inside the walls of the town, the illusion spell wore off, and Uldur dropped the basket of mushrooms and rocks he found in the forest earlier and disguised as various healing and magical potions.
While walking through Cormillon, searching for a potential woman, Uldur hardly gave time to examining his surroundings. The gate he walked under was red from rust and connected through a series of gears and other such mechanisms to the main wall, which was built of stone dragged from the quarry not too far from Cormillon. Outside the walls, the town seemed somewhat calm and uninhabited, due to the bland coloring of the gray walls and the brown and gray guard posts positioned every few yards. The arrow slits were unmanned and several of the guards were apparently off duty at the time, suggesting a time of relative peace between Cormillon and its neighbors.
Inside, however, Cormillon was a bustling web of paths lined with shops owned by locals from every walk of life imaginable: blacksmiths, armorers, potion-brewers, both lyrical and magical scribes, butchers, and farmers. Uldur paid no attention to any of them: he was on a mission, and there was not a single brothel in sight. After a long, desperate search, he settled on a pub near the edge of town: the Rawb’s Tusk.
Uldur looked around for only a brief moment before he heard a lovely song coming from…outside the tavern, actually. The demon immediately set his sights on the girl and began the wooing process: conversation, a walk back to their house…then his own personal touch. Uldur claimed to have lost his money somewhere along the walk, and even produced an empty, slit change purse. With no money to pay for a room at the inn, he was, like usual, accepted to stay with the girl. After that, he did his business, then slept soundly and warm.
It was however unfortunate that the woman he wooed, Yuni Sarafin, happened to have been courted earlier by a powerful man in the town. He was the head of the League of Knights, the most powerful of the royal soldiers to His Highness, the king of Cormillon. His name was Tumaka Dagaman, and he was known for killing anyone who got in his way of his desires; especially when it came to Miss Sarafin.

Uldur kept running, his demonic powers beginning to fade: something that tended to happen after being in the human world for an extended period of time. Unfortunately, Uldur expedited the process by spending a night comforted by a human woman. It was a night filled with joy and mead, a night that Uldur would regret for the rest of his life. That was, of course, assuming that he would reach the forest – and the portal back to the demon world – before the guards’ blades reached him.
A few more steps and Uldur would be in the forest, a place where demons usually stayed when traveling between the worlds. The forest was dark and thick with many areas to hide; Uldur thought he would be safe there. He thought wrong, and just as the light from the portal reached his sight he felt a sharp pain in his left side. Grabbing his side with his free hand, Uldur stumbled, barely making it over a tree root. Just a few more yards and he would safely be in the demon world; he knew the humans wouldn’t dare cross through the gate for fear of the deadly demons that lived there and their lack of knowledge of how to get back alive. Just a few more steps, a few more yards…
Uldur leaped towards the reddish light in one last desperate attempt to cross through the gate before he went unconscious from the loss of blood. The demon dropped to the ground a few steps away from the portal, comatose, as the guards met his flesh with their blades. Uldur Konteru was no more, but his memory would live on in a child forming within the town. And also in the demon’s precious package; the guards, busy with mutilating the demon, were completely unaware of the egg that rolled into the portal. They hardly even noticed the red light disappear. Perhaps they believed the rumors that told of a strange red essence that symbolized a demon’s life. It is however unfortunate for them that they were so ignorant of the truth…


Last edited by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 3:25 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by Burping Bubblegum on Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:24 pm

I really like it. But around the middle you start to get a little repetitive. Overall it's really good. :]

I don't have much to offer, except maybe you should wait to reveal that Uldur had fathered a child in the town.

I don't know why, but it reminds me of Darren Shan's Demonata series. >_o
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:14 pm

I probably should have mentioned that the main character of the book is Uldur's child >.>;

But yeah, I meant to use this prologue as a basis for the story. The first chapter starts when the baby has already been born, and the first couple chapters is about him growing up. I should probably post at least part of the first chapter so people know where the main story is headed..
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by Burping Bubblegum on Sun Aug 09, 2009 2:27 pm

I thought that's what you were going to do in the first place. >_o
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 3:24 pm

>.>
<.<
>.>;;

Right then. Here's part of the first chapter.


Generation Two

Yuni Sarafin held the baby in her arms, swaying him back and forth until he finally went to sleep. She sat in a makeshift rocking chair, built specifically for women like her by the local carpenter. The room she rocked in was dimly lit and had a cushion of animal fur near the wall, where the baby normally slept.
The house had three rooms altogether: the main room, where the wooden door to the outside was, a bedroom where she and her husband, Tumaka, slept, and the relatively new baby’s room, which Yuni was in at the time. The room had two torches placed near the open stone door that lit the room just enough so that one could sleep, yet wake up and not be blinded in the darkness. Aside from the rocking chair and cushion there were several animal furs of various shapes and sizes scattered haphazardly on the wooden floor, used mainly to prevent splinters when one walked in bare feet.
Yuni was wearing a light blue nightgown with a darker blue camisole overtop, rabbit-fur slippers and a blue ribbon tying back her light brown hair. A few strands fell onto her nearly pale face, which was slender with a young glow that would later serve well as motherly warmth. The baby had a slightly darker skin, due mainly to his father, and a few strands of dark brown hair here and there. He was relatively small for a baby, about six pounds or so, and had longer ears than a human baby. The final feature was much different, however: two small bumps protruded from his forehead where his future hairline might reach—these would later grow into small horns to prove his demonic side.
Yuni looked up as Tumaka walked in, “Shh, Guaro just fell asleep.” Tumaka looked as though he wanted to eat or talk or something he considered important, so she forced herself up and laid the baby half-demon in the cushion to sleep. Once he seemed comfortable, Yuni turned and walked over to Tumaka, at which point he led her into the main room.
The main room was about twice the size of the baby room but was built similarly: wooden floor, stone walls, scattered animal furs. The room was different in that it had three chairs: a larger one made of cherry wood, and two smaller ones made of dogwood. There was also a fireplace on the side across from the main door on the only wall without any doors at all. On the fireplace sat a large, dark kettle that was boiling some sort of soup for supper.
Tumaka sat down in his favorite chair, the large one with a prized stag pelt draped over the back, and waited for Yuni to sit before he began. “Yuni…How long do you intend to keep him for? You know as well as I do that he will simply not be accepted within Cormillon. It’s been trouble enough for me simply keeping him a secret from the king. You know I don’t like to lie…”
Tumaka Dagaman was a broad, tall man with well-defined muscles covering his somewhat hairy body. He didn’t shave often, so his face looked like it was smeared with charcoal. His skin was darker than Yuni’s, slightly tanned by working in the sun. He wore the royal colors of black and light blue, with the “C” crest on the front of his chest plate. His shins and forearms also wore the generic League armor, and all were tied to him with leather rope. His hair was dark brown and messy, with strands shooting off everywhere from his ‘helmet-hair,’ as it was called. He stared lovingly yet determined at Yuni with brown eyes and a desire that meant more than one thing. Altogether he was a firm, drastic man who rarely compromised.
Yuni took a deep breath to keep herself calm, as she normally tried to be, before snapping back, “I’ve told you many times, Tumaka. He is my son; I will keep him as mine even after someone drags him from my dying arms. I don’t care if he is part demon, and I don’t care if they kill me for loving him. He is my son, Tumaka, and that is that.” Her eyes had turned from their usual soft blue to a sharper and darker form that served as a final point in her response.
Not taking the hint, Tumaka continued, “But Yuni…Don’t you care that his father is…was a deadly demon that killed several of our neighbors? Your son is a disgrace to our family, to our name. To my name.” He shook his head and stood up, then looked up with her with eyes that almost seemed to plead her to stop and give in.
Yuni simply stared back, giving him a mockery of the glance he gave her. “Oh, well I’m sorry that my son is ruining your name. I mean, the last time I checked, you seemed to be fine with Halflings in your fami-”
“You leave Laorsta out of this! I told you over and over that she meant nothing to me!” Tumaka shot back, trying to recover whatever dignity he had left after her shot to his honor.
Laorsta was a water nymph who lived deep within the Gandomi Forest, on the Western side of Cormillon. She, like many nymphs, was able to cast spells that tricked men into becoming impetuous. A couple years earlier she was told by the leader of the fae-folk that it was her time to give birth. She was sent out to Cormillon and quickly wooed the first man she came to, who happened to be Tumaka. Once finished with her task she left Cormillon and gave birth to Naori, a wind nymph. Although Tumaka was in a sort of magically drunken state at the time of conception, he fell in love with Naori when Laorsta showed the baby to him and the father and daughter remained emotionally close, despite the fact that Naori lived with her mother and only visited once each year.
Yuni twisted the blade, “Alright, we won’t talk about Laorsta. Not like you ever promised to marry her anyway.” She saw him take a deep breath out of the corner of her eye. “Alright, fine. Then how about we discuss your offspring…Yes, how is Naori? She hasn’t stopped by in some time.” She smirked to herself in her mind, knowing she had won the argument. Tumaka had Naori, so she was certainly entitled to keeping Guaro.
“Fine,” Tumaka replied with a mental cringe, hating how he was the one who ended up giving in. “But we’ll need to send him away, like we did with Naori.”
Yuni shook her head, “No, we won’t. If you didn’t notice when you killed him, Guaro’s father isn’t exactly alive, like Naori’s mother is. We will raise Guaro as our own son, and you will love him like he is your own.” She emphasized the last few words to make sure he understood his part.
Tumaka nodded, giving in more than he would have liked. “Fine, fine. But if I somehow tend to be slightly…unfatherly, you will have to understand. I cannot love Guaro as I will Zenold, but I will try.” He looked up at her, waiting to receive her glance before he added in the last part. “For you, my love.”
At the time, Zenold was the name chosen for the baby currently inside of Yuni. He would be the supposed son of Tumaka and Yuni, for if the child was a girl they would simply try again. During the age of this medieval time, sons were more appreciated than were daughters to those in the League.
Yuni rolled her eyes, finally relaxing from her tense state and falling into his arms. The couple held the moment only briefly before Yuni ended the touch and went over to the fire to serve dinner from the kettle. “Rabbit stew, minus the rabbit. Hope you like it.”
Tumaka laughed, “What happened to the rabbit? Oh, that’s right…”
“Yes dear,” Yuni finished for him, “You didn’t kill one for me to cook. So this will have to do. Now eat up, I hear the League is having some sort of special training-parade tomorrow. The Festival of Steel, right?”
Tumaka nodded as he raised the bowl to his lips, tasting the stew. The Festival of Steel was an annual parade that demonstrated the new recruits’ abilities to the king of Cormillon before they would be accepted by the League of Knights. The festival was the only time when the king had any decision in his army; the League normally controlled the rest of the military dealings, including declarations of war. The king was left to deal with purely political tasks, including foreign relations and domestic policies: the king could, however, ask the League for a declaration of war, but the final say would come from the League itself.
Tumaka finished the stew in his bowl and went to the fire for another helping. Without any meat, the once delicious stew was a bit less filling. Nevertheless, Tumaka ate a second—and third—helping of the thick, nutritious soup. Once done he stood and headed to the last room in the house and began to undress for the night. Yuni was left with the mess on the table, but she would leave cleaning to tomorrow as she always did. By the time she entered the bedroom Tumaka was not-so-quietly asleep, so she was careful to not wake him up as she sat down on the pelts. In a short while she was asleep, dreaming about her son in his bed and her other son on the way.
The bedroom was lit in the same way as the baby’s room and had a similar format. Instead of a rocking chair and cushion, however, there lay a large wooden bed with piles of furs strewn across it for comfort. On one side of the bed there was a three-legged stool that served as a table; at the time an empty mug sat upon the top. The walls were stone, like the other rooms, but above Tumaka’s side hung a sword and set of bow and arrows for emergencies; hanging above the weapons was a beautifully decorated sheath covering a sword that had been there for a year and a half, since the night of Uldur’s death…
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by Burping Bubblegum on Sun Aug 09, 2009 3:48 pm

I like it.
:]
Do you have an extended plot, or are you just writing as it comes to you?
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:10 pm

I've got the outline for an extended plot thus far. I've got a creature list, a world map, a map of the castle, character lists, etc. Right now I'm a little stuck though because I'm looking for the main conflict, but I've got where I want it to go on paper.
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Re: A prologue...and then some

Post by Burping Bubblegum on Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:15 pm

Wow, haha. See, it's always the opposite for me. I always get the main conflict, then I have a hard time coming up with how to start it out and how to organize the climax, what to do with the characters, how to set up their surrounding, etc.

Well, best of luck to you. If you ever need anyone to talk to about plot ideas, or you just need critiquing, I'm here. n_n
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