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Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:46 am

Hi there, Golden Sunset here. I have a lot of poems that I could share with you and about 3 songs that I've written so far. I would LOVE comments/critiques on them and I'll be sure to do the same for you. Erm, I suppose I'll start out with a poem that I wrote with one of my brother's. He's a really talented writer himself, but I don't know if he thinks it, hehe. This poem is about the seasons. Happy Reading. ^ ^


Summer heat and Winter ice,
Spring's that blossom and Autumn's clear nights.
Ah yes, the joys of the season,
That make outside an ever changing haven.
What is it about these entities that are so special?
Maybe we'd know if we opened our eyes once in a while.
Hm, suppose you're a Summer person
Who loves the warmth of the sun.
It's in the rays of sunshine that you find your fun.
Then there is you, child of White Winter.
For you it's the snow and ice that holds all the wonder.
Perhaps, you're a flower in the arms of Spring.
When people glance at you they think, "what a precious thing".
And when the time comes, babe of Autumn,
You will paint a master piece with colors of the season.
Whichever the season you call as your own
Or whatever the climate you choose as your home,
The sun will still spin and the earth will still swivel
Green leaves will bloom one month, another they'll shrivel.
So whatever your makeup of season and hue
Know that all of us are trying to find our place, too.


Last edited by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:49 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:49 am

Here's another one fore you to read. It's called "The Human Voice".


Out of all the features on the human body
In which we use to communicate,
There is one that stands out more than personality.
With this precious gift we can sing lovely songs.
With this wondrous thing, we tell others they're strong.
We comfort one another with soft spoken words,
And can simply take away the pain and hurt.

The look on a child's face when listening to a story
Is one you will find hard to forget.
Because with this treasure we fill their imagination.
We can fill their head with plans for creation.
This thing that we use is unique and wonderful.
With it we may one day be on top of the world.

How amazing this treasure,
How beautiful this jewel.
To ever wish it gone or use it to hurt...
Well that would just make you quite the fool.
You have such a grand gift that is nice,
For there is no greater gift than the human voice.
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Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:51 am

"Just A Memory"

Like the first snow in winter
Or a blossom in spring
I'm just a memory
But still a magical thing.
Like a thought in your mind
Or something that happened early in time
I'm just a memory
But also a piece of history.
If you forget or if you remember
I'm not just a memory
I'm eternal and forever.
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by savfantasy on Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:57 am

All three are really lovely, but I think the last is my favorite. It seems to flow better than the two longer ones. I love the subject of the first one. There are some places where the structure seems awkward to me, however, such as how you seem to rhyme the first few seasons, but then fall's stanza doesn't rhyme at all. Not really a problem, but it bothered me personally.
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:04 am

Ah, I see. I'm glad you like them. Hm, I'm still trying to get the hang of putting things together just right to make the perfects poems, lol. My recent stuff, I think, would be like short stories and such.
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Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:06 am

"Time"

Time in a bottle...what does that mean?
Is is something that is heard,
Or is it something that is seen?
Is it like sand in the palm of your hands
Or like liquid, trickling down in strands?

The sands of time...an interesting place.
Where things slow down or speed up in pace.
A place where life seems to begin,
But also where it finds an end.

Future, present, and the past
Time seems to go by really fast.
Before you can blink, things can all change.
Becoming something new or being rearranged.

What is it that makes the world go round?
I think its time and where it is found.
It can be spent hanging with a friend,
Or maybe just waiting for the day to end.
Time...is special for everyone.
Let's try to save it...before it's gone.
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Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:07 am

"The Elements"

Water, earth, wind, and fire.
There is one thing that I truly desire.
Power running swiftly through my veins
So strong that no no would appose me again.

Fire...the souls inner eye.
Burning ablaze with flames flying high.
It keeps the soul alive and strong.
And never strays or goes wrong.

Wind...the body's fluid movements.
So graceful yet rough in the right moments.
It twists and bends with wonderful ease.
Who wouldn't want power such as these?

Earth...the mind's powerful will.
One would not go up against such skill.
As hard as a rock or soft like a feather
This element is one of the better.

Last but not least, water comes along
Filling you heart with its raging song!
These elements combined make a powerful force.
And yet they are different and go their own course.
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by savfantasy on Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:12 am

I like these ones very much! They are beautiful, and I think they flow very well.

I would love to read some of your short stories. You should post them in the prose section! Very Happy

Edit:
Oops, I guess you've already done that, now that I go to look. lol
I will definatly read them when I have a chance; I only have two minutes of internet time left. Razz
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 12:42 pm

Here's one you might like whenever you get the chance to read it. It's called "Dance of Nature". Lol, I sorta came up with it on the spot so it might not be all that great.

Sun that paints the sky at night
Many colors that glow bright.
One splash here, another splash there,
There seems to be splashes everywhere.

Moon of white that fills the sky.
Looking upon us with its eye.
Twinkling stars of celestial birth,
Smile down on this earth.

Then in comes the sunrise with an array of colors.
One stroke here, another splash there.
Swirls of clouds join in with the fun.
The dance of nature has just begun.
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Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 12:44 pm

This is a little song that I actually wrote for a story that I'm writing. It's for this Demon wolf that's in the story and it basically means that no matter what happens, his mate's heart will always, always be his home.

Child of the Wilderness
"Child of the wilderness.
Born from the darkness.
You only know your anger....
And yet you still have room for precious love.
Child of the darkness.
Born into emptiness.
You are cherished....
And you're something that I keep in my heart.
When you stray from home my spirit follows you.
Always waiting for your return.
So, my child of the wilderness.
Born out of darkness.
Know that wherever you may choose to go.
My heart will always be your home."
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Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 2:15 pm

One of the three songs that I've written.

"The Secret Place"
First Verse
You walked into my life and I saw something bright
Something that was shining like the sun in my blue sky
I didn't know what it was, but I wanted to find out
That's when I saw your soul glowing like a candle at night
Then you spread your wings and smiled and said to me

Chorus
There is a place that you can slip away to
You can escape the world and anything that is cruel
I know this place is special and very unique
Just give me your hand and follow, then you will see
This is the secret place
Yeah, this is the secret place

Second Verse
Stepping closer to you, I didn't know what to do
I felt nervous, scared, and happy all at once
So you took my hand in yours
And I felt safe forever more
Then we flew into the clouds to this place that is new
(back to chorus)

Third Verse
So when you're stuck in the middle between heaven and hell
And your world is spinning making you want to scream and yell
Just spread your wings and fly away
Up to the secret place

Chorus x2
There is a place that you can slip away to
You can escape the world an anything that is cruel
I know this place is special and very unique
Just give me your hand and follow, then you will see
This is the secret place
Yeah, this is the secret place

*End Song*
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by redserpent on Tue Aug 11, 2009 2:29 pm

I'm commenting as I read them, fyi..

Seasons: Awesome! I loved your use of rhyme, it worked really well. Great poem^^

The Human Voice: Great first two stanzas, but I'm not too keen on the third. I was following you up to the third line in the last stanza, after that it seems to lose the flow. It might even be nice to not say that the thing is voice, and just let the title do that for the poem.

Just a Memory: Not such a big fan. I don't know, this might just be me, but you may have crossed into the cliche area of poetry a little in this one. If you change the 'magical' and 'history' lines though, I think you could definitely rework it into a great poem. That's just my opinion though.

Time: Pretty good. Might want to check to make sure the rhyming lines have the same number of syllables, I think it might be off in a couple places. Also, I'd suggest trying to fit the first stanza to be similar to the others, in the sense of the same rhyme/line scheme.

The Elements: With you powers combined...xD Sorry, had to. Anyway, this is probably just my editor side talking, but it seems a little cliche.

Dance of Nature: Pretty good, but like Time I think some of the rhyming lines might be a syllable off here and there. Definitely good for coming up with it on the spot though.

Child of the Wilderness: I can totally see a wolf singing that.

The Secret Place: I'd love to hear what that sounds like =3

Hope some of that helped? >.>;;

-RS
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Tue Aug 11, 2009 2:45 pm

WOW!!! That's a lot of comments on everything I put up so far. And yeah, it did help. Just lets me know what I have to work on, hehe. Oh, and for Child of the Wilderness, it's sung for a wolf. As for my other song, I'm not much of a singer. I'm too shy to really attempt it either, but I could try and make something work. Here's the first song that I wrote.

A Perfect Fantasy
First Verse
Am I invisible to you?
Cus' you don't seem to notice anything I do.
Do you know how that makes me feel...
Oh I start to feel like I'm not real.
Do you see me? Do you hear me?
Calling out your name while the sky is pouring rain.

Chorus
Am I dead or am I alive?
Oh I don't seem to have anything left inside.
Is my heart still beating?
Cus' I don't have anymore feelings
Somebody save me from this horrible reality.
And take me to a perfect fantasy.

Second Verse
What is this chaos that has a grip on me?
It steals my heart, steals my soul, making it hard to breathe.
Is anyone out there to hear my call?
To catch me, save me, before I fall.
Do you feel me? Can you touch me?
Please make me real and open my eyes!
(back to chorus)

Third Verse
But now I don't need you.
I only need myself.
To get me through this strife.
And to live out my life.
Do you hear me speaking?
With my own voice above all the noise.
Do you hear me screaming?
With all I have, with all of my might!

Second Chorus
I'm now alive and I'm now free.
To live my life anyway I please!
I have my own wings so that I can fly.
And I'm taking that chance and flying to the sky.
No more saving me. No more fantasy.
I've finally found a perfect reality.

*End Song*
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by savfantasy on Wed Aug 12, 2009 10:20 am

I agree with RS in that I'd love to hear these songs. If you ever decide to record them, I hope we'll be the first to know. Very Happy

I do very much like "the dance of nature". I think its a lot of fun, and very pretty. Smile
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:09 am

Thank you, Savfantasy. If/when I do record them, I'll definitely let y'all be the first to know. Now, time for another poem, lol. If you've ever read or have seen "The Scarlet Letter" then you'll know exactly what this poem is about. It's called "Heart Felt Shame"

Eternal suffering. Everlasting shame.
What I have done shall forever be my pain.
I walk through this land with an "A" on my chest,
That brands me as a sinner, a solid crest.

I have been forsaken and I have been shunned.
This sin is something that cannot be undone.
The only blessing is a beautiful Pearl.
No, not the stone, but a very unique yet troublesome girl.

What is to be done about this weight on my shoulders,
That feels as though I'm carrying boulders.
One other shares in this heartache
For upon his chest, equal to mine, there lies an "A".

Everywhere I go, this sin follows.
Like the black man, this sin never leaves me alone.
And the one who shares in my pain...
Has died, leaving me to bear this heart felt shame.
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Post by savfantasy on Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:11 am

O_O

I cannot tell you how much I love this poem. Not simply because it's wonderfuly writen (which it is), but because you wrote it about one of my favorite stories. Thank you. TT_TT
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Wed Aug 12, 2009 11:21 am

Heh, you're making me blush with all these comments. I'm really glad you like it though. That poem was one that I wrote for an English assignment in school. Here's another one for you.

Candle on the Water
I'll be your candle on the water,
When things are going bad.
My arms will be your warm shelter
To comfort you when you're sad.
Someone is calling out your name,
But pain and grief are your main focus.
Until you let go of the hurt and pain
You'll never see the beauty amongst the madness.

I'll be your candle on the water,
A flickering, dancing flame of hope.
When you need peace, do not falter,
Light thine candle, set it afloat.
Then clasp your hands as if in prayer.
Close your eyes and on a star, make a wish.
Wish for no more hurt, pain, and fear...
Now open your eyes and blow the star a kiss.

I'll be your candle on the water,
Burning bright until your wish comes true.
And when you awake with the sun in that hour,
Everything around you will be brand new.
Your heart will be light like that of a feather...
A song playing out in your head.
And when asked what brought on this playful character,
You'll tell them of the candle on the water.


Last edited by Golden Sunset on Sun Aug 16, 2009 3:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post by savfantasy on Thu Aug 13, 2009 10:56 am

Once again, lovely. I've always loved the symbolysm a candle presents. The only thing that bothers me is in line 6 of stanza 1, I feel like it should be "But pain and grief are your main focus". . . . or foci? what's the plural of focus? 8D Who knows, maybe I'm completly wrong. lol. Other than that, I love it. Very Happy
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:32 am

A Poem For Couples

My heart is full. My head is clear.
And yet, I panic when you aren't here.
I love the feel of your touch each day.
I'm thankful that you take my fear away.
You're the sun in my morning sky.
You're the light to my dark.
You're my wings when I fly.
And you have the key to my heart.
You're in my soul and I'm on your mind.
When you think about it, we're really two of a kind.
You've given me all these special gifts,
So I hope my love is enough.
Because I don't know how to say thank you
For being there when things get tough.
I've given you my heart. I've given you my soul.
I've given you my mind and love forever more.
Are you the moon or are you the stars?
For when I look upon the sky, you don't seem so far.
You've changed my world around, made it new.
You've given me many things, but I'll only take a few.
Are you my love, are you my "one"?
I'll never really know.
I hope I get to find out
Before it's my time to go...
But in my mind, three words ring with truth.
These words that ring are, "I love you".
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Post by Golden Sunset on Mon Aug 17, 2009 9:38 am

Angel of the Night

With wings like velvet, the color of black,
That fall from her shoulders going down her back.
Her eyes, like the night sky with stars in between,
For when she looks at you they can be seen.

When she takes flight the stars watch in awe.
Twinkling brightly, hoping she doesn't fall.
For if she did, they would drop with fright
Catching her and throwing her back into the night.

This angel of the night sings a precious song
Which makes the stars dance and sing along.
While they dance the moon turns its face.
Watching and smiling at the angel's grace.

As she dances, going from star to star
She gives them a kiss, blowing it from afar.
And then a star shoots across the sky
Waving to this angel as it passes by.
She laughs cheerfully, watching its glowing light
Until it fades, leaving her in the arms of the night.
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by savfantasy on Mon Aug 17, 2009 1:21 pm

For no reason at all, the last poem reminds me of the Phantom of the Opera. xD
Both beautifuly written, as always. I think the couples one is very cute. x3
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Re: Golden Sunset's Archive

Post by Golden Sunset on Fri Aug 28, 2009 8:55 am

I know this has a lot of cliche's...but...my heart took over when I was writing this one so forgive me if it's a bit much. ^ ^;


Second Poem For Couples

I love you, now and forever.
Near or far, we're still together.
Every day, I am in your heart.
That way I am never too far.
I am a boat traveling at night.
Your arms are my sea, your heart my moonlight.
When I find it hard to stand on this ground that I've been given,
You take my hand and help me with living.
My heart, my soul, I have given these to you.
Men like yourself and very far and few.
You are my day. I am your night.
When darkness comes, you are my light.
I love you, now and forever.
This will always be true while we flow together.
I cherish each day that I spend in your arms.
I know you’ll keep my heart safe from harm.
You are my song with voice soft as a sigh.
Night comes on swiftly, you are my lullaby.
Oh, how I play, jump, dance with glee.
It is the joy I feel because you love me.
They say no one knows thee, but one knows thee so well.
I shall not say who for it is easy to tell.
A room of red is a good place they say.
Your heart is where I shall always stay.
I love you…now and forever.
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