Pyro's poems...well attempted poems...

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Pyro's poems...well attempted poems...

Post by pyro on Sat Aug 22, 2009 1:45 pm

The Child in Me

There is someone inside me
that yearns to be free
to spread out their wings and give them the chance
to do as they please

No more rules or regrets
just let that child take you on a journey
to discover what you have missed so much

Why is it we act so tough
but deep down inside you just want to break free
to scream at the top of your lungs
and tell the world that you have been reborn

just let the child take you where you have never been before
just walk right up and open the door
and there is that child waiting for you
you kept it away so long
that you soon forget just what it means to be a kid once more.
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pyro
An Anecdote

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Re: Pyro's poems...well attempted poems...

Post by savfantasy on Thu Sep 10, 2009 12:05 pm

I really like the concept of this piece. There is just one thing that bothers me, but it could just be a personal problem more than anything wrong with the poem.

I don't like that you say "There is someone inside of me" in the first line, and then only use "you" in the rest of the poem. It makes it a little confusing for me. Perhaps if you changed it to "There is someone inside all of us. . ." or "someone inside you. . ." or something. Like I said, just a suggestion. ^^;
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savfantasy
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