Northern Lands - Title in Progress

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Northern Lands - Title in Progress

Post by Barbarossa on Fri Aug 28, 2009 5:14 pm

This is just the first chapter to a 'novel' I am writing, I am halfway through the second chapter, but I just wanted to see what people thought of this one first. I have posted it on one other site and got... few replies. I'd just like to get some comments, positive or negative. Anyway, I'm rambling...

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Searissal stood in the midst of the clearing, pushing her arms as wide across her chest as they possibly could, I could tell from her strained facial expression that she couldn’t go any further. “It was…It was bigger than this! Much, much bigger!” she said, excited by what she was describing, almost as if she couldn’t wait to see it again. “Can… can we go now Kin?” she stammered her words out of excitement, as she asked Kinota, the oldest of my sisters, whether we could go check for the strange sight on the seas.

Kinota and I were sitting on a tree which had fallen, creating the clearing which we were in. She pushed herself forward, off the surface of the tree, to the ground. Then turned to me and grabbed my sides, lifting me down after her. “Thank you” I said quietly and happily. Away from Kinota and myself, Searissal was nearly jumping to go back to the cliff edge, “Come on. Come on!” she said merrily, brushing her hand toward the cliff, before running through the forest trees. “Come on Julla” Kinota said, lifting me from the ground and carrying me after Searissal. I hung on tightly to Kin, my head resting on her shoulder and my hands hugging around her neck.

When we reached the edge of the forest, which was not far from where we were before, Kinota let me climb off her and look for myself. “Don’t go too close to the edge Julla,” she said, holding a hand out to touch my shoulder, as I stared into the distance. Searissal was sitting off the cliff edge, her legs and feet dangling over the edge. “Look! Look!” she exclaimed loudly pointing toward the horizon with a large grin on her face as she looked back at Kin and I. I walked over to Searissal to get a better look at what she was pointing at. Kinota slightly jogged after me, holding me back from the edge.

“I don’t see.” I said in a disappointed, quiet voice, looking back at Kinota. Once again Kinota lifted me off the ground and held me to her chest, and we both faced the ocean. “Searissal, what are we looking for.” Kin asked, bouncing me up and down ever so slightly. “There! That black thing reeeeally far over there,” she stretched her arm as far as she could away from her without plummeting off the edge. Kinota laughed happily, “Sear, that’s a seagull.” She turned from the edge, carrying me back toward the village. “You coming?” She asked over her shoulder toward Sear. Searissal jogged to our side, a large frown on her face. “I did see it before. It was there. You believe me right?” She asked Kinota, her bottom lip protruding with unhappiness. Kinota released one hand from holding me up, and tussled it through Sear’s hair. “Of course I believe you.” She returned her hand to support me from falling and smiled at Sear, then at me.

“Good.” Searissal said, her face perking up, as she ran on ahead along the dirt path, which we had walked many times in the past, toward our village. As Searissal ran behind a cluster of trees, a short cut to the village, Kinota looked from her to me. “You ok Jullani?” she asked, a comforting smile on her face. I looked into her deep, brown eyes and smiled, before hugging her tightly, and resting my head beside her neck.

As Kin and I reached the perimeter of the village, we could see Sear sitting beside Father. Kin let me down to the ground and I ran toward him. Hearing me running across the crunching grass, Father turned to face me and crouched down in front, at my height. Lifting me off the floor by my armpits, and spinning me around in circles, Father smiled. “Heya Julla, did you see the ships?” he asked, now spinning me slower. As he stopped spinning, my head span slightly and I giggled. “Nope.” I said, shaking my head briskly from left to right, then hugging him as I had Kin. Kinota reached father’s side and added to my answer. “They weren’t there today, but we’ll go see some other time, right Sear?” she smiled, looking down at Sear, who had joined father’s side. Searissal nodded happily; content with the knowledge she’d get to see the strange shapes again.

Father crouched down, letting me onto the ground. He then stood and smiled at Kinota. “Thanks for doing that Kin. I’ll come with you next time, take some of the burden off you.” He nodded as if to seal the deal with Kinota. She smiled back at him, “Thank you father… but now I need to go see Shutal, he’s coming back from the hunt and I want to greet him. Father laughed heartily, before dismissing Kin. As she walked away, Sear walked alongside her, looking up and talking, undoubtedly about the figures on the horizon. Father looked down at me. “So Jullani, I think it’s time you got some sleep.” He said, holding out his hand. I clasped it tightly; my hand engulfed by his large, rough, workers hands.

Father walked me toward our hut. Ours was one of the few huts in the village near the fire circle. I always wondered if it was dangerous being so close, in case the fire spits onto the wood of our hut. But Father always told me not to worry about such things. Inside the hut, Mother lay on her bed. Lately she had been sleeping very early, and waking later and later. Father stopped beside Mother and patted the mat, telling me to lie next to her. I did as so, snuggling up beside her tightly, her warmth comforting me almost instantly. Father crouched down, beside us both, and brushed my hair with his hand. “This night falls Jullani. But tomorrow shall rise.” He had said this to me every night since I was born, and it soothed me still.

Pushing himself upward, Father walked slowly out of the hut, brushing the material flap from the doorway and disappearing from sight. I rolled over, to face my sleeping Mother, and held her tight. Then, I shut my eyes slowly, and drifted off happily, thinking of the figures Searissal had described.
Barbarossa
Barbarossa
Unreliable Narrator

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Join date : 2009-08-26
Age : 24
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Re: Northern Lands - Title in Progress

Post by redserpent on Mon Sep 14, 2009 12:21 pm

Pretty good, gotta say. I don't think I saw any major problems with it, which is actually a surprise for me. Anyway, I guess there are a few areas where you might want to check your pronouns - a couple spots were a little ambiguous, but it wasn't too bad. Also, I'd suggest watching out for run-ons. Some of your sentences go on for a while; break some of them up, I found myself returning to the beginning of some sentences again just to check what was going on. But yeah, nice job =)

Hope that helps.

-RS
redserpent
redserpent
An Anecdote

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