Cursed Love

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Cursed Love

Post by xXxlunafariexXx on Wed Sep 02, 2009 1:10 pm

Well, this is a roleplay a girl and me were working on. It was the longest ago, and sometimes I can barely remeber what happened. So bare with me. It's about fairies, of course. And not just any faries, but the fairies who have control of the elements. I don't want to give too much away, but opinoins would be greatly appreciated. And my left shift key is broken, so if you see letters that should be capital, but aren't, that would be why.




The First Chapter


A small girl about eleven inches or so, ran out of a four foot building. She had long black lashes, and fair white skin. Deep black hair streamed behind her. But also, wings popped out of her back. They had an oval like shape and barely jolestled as she ran. They glittered a a light blue with traces of black, but when the sun hit them, they were transparent. A beatiful sight to see. As soon as the girl was far away from the bulding, she jumped in to the sky, and her wings spread out, and caught the air. Soon, she was flying.

It seemed so regular for her, that all she did was smile and laugh to herself. Her body was nearly weightless in the air, and with a few wing beats, she was zooming through the forest, not even afraid she would run into anything. As her wings carried her, she did various patterns. A left, then a right, another right, and then she continued on straight, obviously heading somewhere specific. Soon, a clearing appeared, and the girl tilted her weight up, and did a loop, landing on the ground. The clearing was beatiful, filled with different kind of flowers. The grass was as green as it could be, and trimmed nicely to the ground to create almost a soft green coushion. The only thing that marred the clearings apperance was a blackened stump. A small puddle of water shimmered up from were it stood to the right of the the stump.

The girl ran, and jumped on it, and shouted, "Kelee! I know you're here!" Her voice was loud, but had somewhat of a beatiful ring. She stood for a moment, waiting for her friend to come out of hiding. And she did. Kelee had blonde hair, with beautiful blue sparkling eyes, her wings looked like angels, while the other girl's resembled somewhat of a butterfly's. They didn't have feathers, but looked layered like they did. She carried herself kind of warrily, like someone was coming to take her away from their hideaway. She looked to the other girl for a second, and a glare came over her heavenly like features for only a moment, then she spoke, and it was the most beautiful sound. Like bells ringing, and angels harmonizing with them. "Madri! You'll get us discovered! No one's supposed to be this close to the human's forests. And I'm sure we'll both get in trouble if the Elder Preists found out!"

Madri, who had smiled the second Kelee came out of hiding, jumped off the stump and stood in front of Kelee. It almost looked like a standoff the way Madri reached down into a pocket on her belt. She was wearing a black dress, with white leggingins underneath. A brown belt, that held 3 pouches hung on her waist. Kelee, wore the opposite. A white dress with black leggings, and a black head band. She rolled her eyes, and took up a fighting stance. "You know were not supposed to use our powers you know," she said. Madri shrugged and answered, "Well no one knows about yours, they think you ran flat, and I can talk myself out of anything." Kelee grimanced, but spoke once more, "You know if they knew about my powers everything would change. There hasn't been a Nature Controller in years," then smirked, "and you're not too good at talking either,!"

Madri smiled at the challenge and took a fighting stance too. Each fairy could control a specific element. Earth, Water, Fire, Air, Gravity, and the most sacred and unique, Nature. When Kelee had been a child, they'd tested her to see which element she could control, they found none. Three years later, when she was playing with Madri, she found she could control the grass and the roses. Soon the power of controlling nature fully manifested itself, but Kelee and Madri told no one.

Madri sprinted to the pond, and bent down, not completly kneeling, but not standing up either. Then, the water in the pond floated up into the air. Madri stood, moving her hands in bizzare motions. The Water twirled itself in to a cylinder above her head. And Kelee, started moving her arms and hands in circles, swaying from side to side. The grass around her grew higher and higher, then stopped, inches above her head. Madri smirked, and twisted her hands apart. The water went into two segmants, and seemed to have blade like edges. Kelee twisted her hands upward, and the grass weaved themselves into eight segmants. The battle commenced.




So that's the story for a bit. I'll leave it like that for a while. Wait for a comment or too, than continue. (left it like that to keep you intrested!) lol
xXxlunafariexXx
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Re: Cursed Love

Post by redserpent on Mon Sep 14, 2009 12:13 pm

This has a lot of promise. The plot and characters are interesting, but I think there are a few issues about the way you present information that could be better. First of all though, I highly recommend that you type everything out in Word or a similar program and run a spell check - it can help flesh out typos. Other than that, though you do seem to be bent towards good imagery, the way it comes across is a little bland - your sentence structure presents the images in a very matter-of-fact tone that makes the story sort of pause for a moment to describe the scene before moving on. Try to describe things as the story progresses, that way the flow can work better.

Hope that helps.

-RS
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Re: Cursed Love

Post by xXxlunafariexXx on Mon Sep 14, 2009 7:12 pm

redserpent wrote:This has a lot of promise. The plot and characters are interesting, but I think there are a few issues about the way you present information that could be better. First of all though, I highly recommend that you type everything out in Word or a similar program and run a spell check - it can help flesh out typos. Other than that, though you do seem to be bent towards good imagery, the way it comes across is a little bland - your sentence structure presents the images in a very matter-of-fact tone that makes the story sort of pause for a moment to describe the scene before moving on. Try to describe things as the story progresses, that way the flow can work better.

Hope that helps.

-RS

Thanks! I'm trying to work on making my writing pop out. I'm very grateful for your opinion.
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Re: Cursed Love

Post by redserpent on Mon Sep 14, 2009 11:53 pm

No problem, that's what I'm here for =)
I look forward to seeing your writing improve^^
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Re: Cursed Love

Post by Karali on Tue Sep 15, 2009 3:35 am

I'll say that the concept is interesting. I've not seen many stories with fairies recently. But I do have a few crits for you. :3

* The first paragraph is... Well, I'm not sure I have any other way to put this so I'll just say it. It's not very interesting. If there was anything I ever learned when it came to writing, it's that most people make a judgment about a story with the first sentence to first paragraph. If it fails to hook them, there's a good chance that they'll stop reading.

* Perhaps reevaluate describing your character in such depth in the very beginning. It's all well and good if you want to do it, but try to get to describing her when it will fit with the natural flow of the story. Having ACTION, LONG DESCRIPTION OF APPEARANCE, MORE ACTION sort of breaks the flow of the story.

* I think you're over-using the word 'beautiful' to describe the characters/aspects of the characters, especially with the sort of narration you're using. From what I can tell, you're not using the perspective of any of the characters to tell the story, so calling the characters beautiful from the writer's perspective makes it seem as if you're favoring them.

* A new paragraph starts every time a character speaks. Having it all thrown together in the same paragraph is really hard to follow.

* Try to avoid suddenly writing large chunks of exposition in the middle of the story. It breaks the flow. Perhaps try to find a more relevant way to explain the fairy powers and how each one acquires their own and everything; there are a lot of ways that you could fit this into the story in a meaningful way rather than shoving it into the middle of a random paragraph.

* And, this is the one I'm wondering about the most: why did they start fighting all of a sudden? It seemed sort of unprovoked to me. Is this something normal that they do upon meeting eachother? Was what, um... Kelee said so insulting that now they have to get into a brawl? Perhaps delve into that a bit more.

* Like redserpent said, I would recommend a spellcheck.

Anyway, your story shows potential, and I'm excited to see what happens next. o;
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