song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

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song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:44 pm





«please.rescue.me«

        Hi, my name is pseudonym for revenge, but you can call me nym or nee-chan, since those are all nicknames I go by. I'm a writer, or at least I like to think I am. I write stories, work on novels, poetry, song lyrics for my band, pretty much anything. This is just a collection of writing I've created, mostly poems and lyrics (note the title xD).

        What I'd love from you is feedback. Comments are loved. I like honest, heartbreaking opinions, but I also like praise :D I like being encouraged and helped and criticized. I hate when people don't give reasons of why they don't like a piece of writing. If you don't know or suggest how they can fix it, don't say anything!

        I coulda put this in my intro, but eh xD [/lazyness]

        Thank you~! -pseudonym for revenge
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:46 pm

There's Only So Much You Can Take Off Before You Get Arrested (blame the law)

Innocence is a matter of the mind,
An angel straight from the depths of hell.
Love is overrated I'm afraid.
Hate is overfelt today.

Then again, I suppose when you think about it.
There's only so much you can take off
Before you get arrested.
Do you see what I mean?

Sugar overload,
Heart pounding too fast.
Tie my hands together,
Permanently praying.

Being naive is part of our past,
Does it really ever leave?
Life is taken for granted,
Death has too much appeal.

Then again, I suppose when you think about it.
There's only so much you can take off
Before you get arrested.
Do you see what I mean?

Shock release,
Tension eraser.
Watch for young ears,
I won't be the one to get in trouble.

Sugar overload,
Heart pounding too fast.
Tie my hands together,
Permanently praying.


{I wrote this months ago at around 3:30am when I was supposed to be doing my studying (woops). It's kinda crappy, but whatev. Yeah, I decided to put small explanations under the writings, but I love people's personal interpretations.}
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:48 pm

Your Feelings Aren't Less Important, I'm Just Not Interested

New chance,
New day.
Set your heart on fire.
Let the heat flow
Pulse pumping to the beat.

Don't hang on, don't hang on...

Let go,
Swing out.
Hon its on our prepaid star.
We've got the time,
Now we need the energy.

Don't hang on...

Feel the freedom.
The chains didn't stain your perfect wrists.
Check the time,
Dance to the beat.

Don't hang on, don't hang on...

Let go,
Swing out.
Hon its on our prepaid star.
We've got the time,
Now we need the energy.

Don't hang on.

Your hand in mine,
Slipping through sweat.
Swear to slid
The lines away.

Hang on.


{These lyrics are actually sung really upbeat. Once PFR records some songs I'll post them up here for sure. This is just kind of getting away from the darker songs I wrote and letting things loose and light. Also kinda short...}
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:50 pm

Will You Please Be My Keith?

I don't care
What your problems are.
I don't care
If you screw me over.
Just please don't
Take the plane home.

Change my life,
Scramble my mind,
Tease my heart,
Mock my eyes.

It doesn't matter since
We belong together.

Now we're growing up
Keep changing lies.
Now we're moving on
Keep chasing dreams.
Don't die on me.

Life isn't a movie,
No director calling 'cut'.
No artist fixing my face.
Only a mere battery
Waiting to be charged.
Needing your touch.

Hey there, you
Will you be mine?
Repeat that
You'll be my Keith.
Hey there, you
I will be yours.
I promise
That I'll follow you.

It doesn't matter since
We belong together.

Now we're growing up
Keep changing lies.
Now we're moving on
Keep chasing dreams.
Don't die on me.

Repeat that
You'll be my Keith.
I promise
That I'll follow you.


{These lyrics were inspired by a movie called 'Keith'. It's an amazing movie, really. I almost cried. I was so inspired I decided to dedicate a song to it. Pretty easy to follow, especially if you've seen the movie. One of my less complicated, infer-needing ones.}
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:52 pm

Just a Little Emo Poem

Hyper and happy,
Oh what a show.
Take off your mask before I slap it away.
We can all be a little sad sometimes,
Lying isn't always the thing.

Let's all be emo,
Down the street proud, not across it.
Skinny jeans and blood-red tears,
Complaining about our horrid lives.
Let's all be emo.

Depressed and miserable,
Ugh, what a bother.
What's the point
When you just cry and stammer?
It's fine to be sad, just don't go emo.

Lil emo moments,
Let our soul cry.
Lives of the emo,
Suck our souls dry.
We all need happiness,
We all need love.
We must recreate love.
Recreate love.

I did love the eye-liner though.

{This poem was intended as a joke, I promise. I don't mean to offend any emos on here, really. I just thought it was kinda funny to make jokes about the stereotypes. I have an 'emo' brother (like 'cutting' and such) so I understand it. Coping poem.}
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by _fallingstarrr_ on Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:12 pm

Wow! (: You're really good! I wish I could write like you do. (:
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:19 pm

Haha, thanks :D
Which one do you like best? Could any use improvement?
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by _fallingstarrr_ on Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:22 pm

I loved the Don't Hang On one.
I personally think that the Emo song could use a little fixing, but all of them are wonderful! (:
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by pseudonym for revenge on Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:23 pm

Thank you =)
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Re: song lyrics-i need feedback before i show to my band :D

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:52 pm

"Your Feelings Aren't Less Important, I'm Just Not Interested" was pretty awesome, gotta say. I can totally hear the singer screaming out the chorus and everything xD Are the "don't hang on"s whispered or shouted by the rest of the band? Just curious...Kinda reminds me of Paramore.
I also liked the post-choruses in the arrested song, that's a nice touch I haven't seen/heard much.

As for suggestions...I guess in general I'd suggest straying away from obvious overused words like 'hell' and 'love' and whatnot, but maybe that's my poetic side coming out and yelling at me >.>;
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