A Few Poems. . .

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A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Fri Aug 07, 2009 6:44 pm

Just a few poems I wrote a while back. I'd very much like comments on the style and content. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read these. :3

Hope is like a flower
Hope is like a flower,
small, fragile, and weak.
Hope is like a flower,
small, but good enough to keep.
Hope is like a flower,
so easy to destroy.
Hope is like a flower,
It brings all so much joy.



Snow
The snow falls silent, stopping tears,
blowing away all of my fears.
The white snow covers the blackest of doubts
leaving a soothing calm.
but soon it to, will melt away,
for nothing is ever here to stay.
Then I will be unsheilded again,
while all my fears crawl back to me,
I'm trapped again, no longer free.
Now what is left for me to do,
friendless and alone?
pain and fear where the bright snow once shone.
Now I shall hide in the shadows again,
untill the snow falls to set me free.


Searching
I’m searching for someone
Who wants me in their life
I’m searching for the one
Who will stay right by my side
I’m searching for the one
Who will make it all okay
Is it you that I am searching for today?

I’m searching for the one
Who will always hold me tight
I’m searching for the one
Who will love me day and night
I’m searching for the one
Who will care for me on the way
Is it you that I am searching for today?

I’m searching for the one
Who will take hold of my hand
I am searching for the one
Who will save my heart again
I am searching for the one
Who will turn to me and say
“Is it you that I am searching for today?”
So is it you that I am searching for today?
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by black_stained_heart on Fri Aug 07, 2009 7:28 pm

wow these are good they really stir emotion from the reader
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Sat Aug 08, 2009 4:31 pm

Thank you. I never write poetry just for the sake of writing poetry, so each piece I write has a different meaning to me. It makes me very happy that you could feel that as a reader.
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by redserpent on Sun Aug 09, 2009 4:27 pm

Coming from the editor side of me...apologies if I get a little harsh, I don't mean to^^;; It's all for the sake of poetry, right? Anyway...

Hope is like a flower: Could be really great if the syllables per line matched up a bit better. I like the repetition of the main line, but the off-lines (I think) should be the same syllables so it gives the whole poem a sing-songy feeling. Assuming that's what you're going for.

Snow: Awesome! =3 I really liked the use of meter and rhyme. I'm concerned that "pain and fear where the bright snow once shone" might be a little too long compared to the line beforehand, but otherwise I thought it was great.

Searching: Pretty darn good. Like "Hope is Like a Flower," I'd check your syllables on the off lines. I'd also suggest changing the first line to mimic the other repeating lines, and perhaps removing the last line. Or perhaps setting it on a fourth stanza alone. Just my opinion.

So I guess that wasn't too harsh. Hope that helps?

-RS
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Mon Aug 10, 2009 12:22 pm

Yes, thank you so much for your critique! I don't usually pay attention to the syllables; I just write what feels right. I will try to keep your advice in mind for future works, however!
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:24 pm

And another I wrote more recently. I'm a little slow, so I'd appriciate it if you could tell me if the sylable problem still exists.



There are some things today that I wish to say
But I’m not sure how to begin.
I wanted to tell you about my heart,
And how it’s been hurt again.
It’s been broken many times, you know.
The shattered lines remain.
But after all this time, my love,
I’ve learned to love the pain.
So I’ve come to tell you once more
About this love I feel for you.
Please open up the door
Do you feel something too?
Already I see it, the feeling you hide,
And it makes me want to cry.
You say that you just don’t feel the same
And I feel a part of me die.
But I’ll laugh and say “I knew as much”
And slowly walk away
But I’ll be back again, you know,
And you’ll crush my heart another day.
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by redserpent on Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:38 pm

Well, the syllable thing isn't necessarily a problem, but this poem could be edited a bit to make the flow a bit better. As it goes thus far, you could get away with 8-10 syllables in the odd lines and 6 or 7 on the even lines. Try to sing it, in a sense; give the poem a beat and try to stick to it. Words like 'and,' 'but,' and 'so' don't always count, in case you're torn. I do like the last line, perhaps keep that off-beat to emphasize it. I think I had something else, but I forgot it D=

-RS
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:48 pm

xD ok thank you
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Tue Aug 18, 2009 11:55 am

Ew. . . double posting. D:

Deep in this heart of mine
Shines a light just for you
Drowned in the tears I cry
The candle still shines through
Searching through all time
For a place to call my own
This restless soul fights on
Until I find my home.

I’ll wander the plains and seas
Until I find your arms.
I’ll take on armies; wait and see
Until I find you again.

This long journey I’m on
Leads me to another place
Searching for your heart,
All just to see your face.
Wander the sands of time
‘Till my weary legs give out.
Still I struggle on
Fighting through the fear and doubt.

Dragging my polished sword
I’ll fight against the odds
Battles ragging against their words
Send a plea out to the gods
To let me find you again.

And. . .

They say there are other
fish in the sea
But in my little fish bowl,
There is only you and me.
I see the other choices
I See them flaunt their pride
But you’re the only one, my love
That I want by my side.

You’re my tall-dark-and-handsome
You’re my strong, silent hero
You’re my great one-and-only
Our love, divided by zero

They say home is where the heart is
And I’m sure that it is true
So, I’m glad to say, my love,
My home is safe with you
While I’m away, take care
Lay out the welcome mat
For the day I come home to you
And you welcome me back.
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by Golden Sunset on Wed Aug 19, 2009 11:20 am

Oh, I like this last one. Really nice and wonderfully written.
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by Mono on Wed Aug 19, 2009 11:28 am

Interesting. You didnt seem like the Poetic type when we first talked. Interesting... Suspect
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Wed Aug 19, 2009 4:12 pm

Thank you, both of you. I can be pleasantly surprising sometimes. Wink
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:23 pm

This was basically an experiment with iambic pentameter. Let me know what you think. Smile

Moonlit God

I gently sat and looked around the place.
Everywhere I saw a stranger's face.
Who is this man I see deep in my dreams?
Where is this man I long to go and meet?

The birds sang high and made me want to cry.
It'd been so long since I had heard his lie.
He'd left me there to go pursue his dreams,
and now I was alone - or so it seemed.

The sun shone bright and warmed my tear-stained face.
And then I heard a noise in my secret place.
I looked around, confused and called out loud,
"Who is it that disturbs me? Come out now."

A man stepped out from there behind the brush.
His clothes were torn and he was bathed in dust.
He laughed aloud and said he meant no harm,
he had come from afar to see my charm.

I blinked, unsure of what it was he meant.
I'd seen him in no place that I had went.
But still, his face it seemed somehow the same
As one I'd see in my imagined dream.

"Who is this man who comes before my eyes?"
I asked myself while staring at the sky.
He asked to sit beside her on the bench,
He commented upon the singing finch.

We talked all day until the sun went down.
And when the moon came out he wore a crown.
My eyes went wide, I knew not what to say.
He sighed and told me that he could not stay.

A god I thought, a god indeed he was
he sprouted wings, snow white, just like a dove's.
The moonlit god ascended to the sky.
He shed a tear, we kissed, and said goodbye.
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Re: A Few Poems. . .

Post by savfantasy on Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:44 pm

I don't know if anyone checks this forum anymore, but oh well. lol

Before You
Before you I was alone
Before you I had no home.
Before you all was worthless
Before you I knew not what I missed.
Before you I knew not love
Before you I saw no doves.
Before you I cried at night
Before you I had no sight.
Now you’re here; amazing light.

Before you, bathed in loneliness
Before you I was not blessed
Before you there was only snow
Before you I had nowhere to go.
Before you I was empty
Before you, heart locked, no key.
Before you I stayed silent
Before you I sinned without repent
Now you’re here, heaven sent.

Before you I was lost in the rain
Before you I knew only pain
Before you I did not sleep
Before you I only knew to weep
Before you I was not myself
Before you I needed help
Before you I was silenced by shame
Before you I had no name
Now you’re here, nothing’s the same
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